Gallatin Quilt Guild - Quilting Fun

You Know you are a Quilter If........
There's more fabric in the house than food
"Fat Quarters" are not the heaviest part of your body
Your ironing board is always set up but you never iron clothes
You think of your job as an interruption of your quilting time
You pet fabric
People are always picking threads off you
You can measure a scant 1/4 by eye
"Featherweight" Doesn't mean Boxer
Your "UFO's" are not from outer space
You clean up your sewing room & they think you are leaving

Fabric Hoarders Beware !
A recent study has indicated that fabric gives off certain Pheromones, that
actually hypnotize women and cause them to purcahse ungoldly amounts.

When stored in large quantities in enclosed spaces, the Pheromones (in the fabric)
cause memory loss and induce the nesting syndrome (similar to the ones
squirrels have before the onset of winter, i.e. storing food) therefore perpetuating their
species, and not having a population loss due to their kind being cut up into pieces and
mixed with others. Sound tests have also revealed that these fabrics emit a very
high-pitched sound, heard only by a select few of breed of women known as customers.

When played backwards on an LP, the sounds are heard as chants "Buy me" "Cut
me" "Sew me"! In order to overcome the so-called feeding frenzy effect that these
fabrics cause, one must wear a face mask when entering a storage facility and use ear
plugs to avoid being pulled into their grip. (One must laugh however, at the sight of
customers in a fabric store, with WW2 army gas masks and headphones !)

Studies have also indicated that aliens have inhabited the earth, helping to spread
the effect that these fabrics have on the human population. They are called fabric
store clerks. It's also been my experience that these same Pheromones cause a
pathological need to secret these fabric purchases away when taken home (or at least
blend them into the existing stash) and when asked by a significant other if the fabric is
new, the reply is "I've had it for a while".

(Originally published in August 1997 in the Western North Carolina Quilters Guild
Newsletter)

Rules for Quilting

1. Always buy fabric no matter how much you already have
2. Sew All Day and All Night, absolutely no cooking allowed
3. Use a lot of spit for tiny droplets of blood, this always makes the quilt personal
4. Always start a new quilt before the last one is finished, this requires you to go back to step # 1

Addicted to Quilting

She Learned to Quilt on MONDAY.
Her stitches all were fine
She forgot to make us dinner
So we all went out to dine

She quilted miniatures on TUESDAY
she says they are a must
They really were quite lovely
But She forgot to dust

On WEDNESDAY it was a sampler.
She says stippling's fun
What Highlights What Shadows!
But The LAUNDRY wasn't done

Nine Patches were on Thursday
Green, Yellow, Blue and red.
I guess she really was engrossed
She never made the Bed.

It was wall hangings on Friday.
In colors she adores
It never bothered her at all
That crumbs were on the floor

I found a maid on SATURDAY
My week is now complete
My wife can quilt the hours away
The house will still be neat

Well, now its only SUNDAY
I think I'm about to wilt
I cursed, I raved, I ranted
Cause the Maid has learned to QUILT !

Being of sound mind (a statement which does not bear close examination) I,_________________________________ do hereby record my last will and testament. Knowing that __________________________________, my _________________ (husband, sister, or friend) hasn’t the least appreciation for, or for that matter, knowledge of my extensive fabric collection, which collection is suitably deposited in sundry places for safekeeping. Knowing also that ___________________________ has already notified the local dumpster to pick up and dispose of the before mentioned collection "willy-nilly" (the thought of which causes me a most severe case of hives). Therefore, I do will this collection and all other collections related to it, my dear friend and fellow fabric preservationist, _________________________. It is my wish that she/he, upon hearing of my death and obtaining clear proof that I did not manage, although goodness knows I tried, to take it with me, would come to my home post hast, before the dumpster, and search out my collection which is similarly stored at her own abode. That she should rescue said collection and stack it in my quilting studio, along with my sewing machines, frames, old buttons, lace, patterns, quilts, dolls and works in progress. After she/he has done this, she/he should purchase refreshments for my friends not yet departed, which friends are also her/his friends, and every last one shall be in that room and they shall hold a wake and say lovely and kind things about me until they run out and then they shall divide amongst themselves, by lot, my wonderful collection. I shall be hovering over that very spot until this is done. _______________________ shall then quilt this spot and close the door, leaving trivialities to those who do not understand. This is my wish on the matter.

Short Quilt Sayings

Sewing and crafts fill my day, not to mention the living room, bedroom, and closets.

"Fabricologist Resource Center".....now does that sound more impressive than "fabric stash".

My husband said if I were to buy any more fabric, he would leave me. I'm going to miss him!!!

Buttons and patches and the cold wind blowing...the days pass quickly when I am sewing!

Quilting Bee

In Fellowship they meet,
Their long days to invest,
Snipping and sewing, only slowing
To visit, to eat or rest.

Calico scraps, heaped on laps,
Each one an exact size and hue.
Fingers nimble with thread and thimble,
Create pretty patterns anew.

Heads bent to the task, you need not ask
If these ladies love to quilt.
Their talented touch, expresses as much
As piece onto piece it is built.

Friends try to perceive who will receive
Each quilt that is stitched from the heart,
With needlework fine, the patterns entwined
A treasure, a true work of art.

Baby's Quilt

The sun came up this morning
It's promise sweet and long
A new child shares this day with me
The birds begin their songs.

A special gift of squares and strips
Was sewn for baby's cover
The sparkling patches quite reflect
Our feeling for each other.

The beauty of the days ahead
Are sewn in every seam.
I'll wrap you up and hold you tight
And anticipate the dream.

Quilter's Poem

Love is a quilt - a quilt is love . . .
Both love and a quilt should be:
Soft enough to comfort you,
Bright enought to cheer you,
Generous enough to enfold you,
Light enough to let you move freely,
Strong enough to withstand adversity,
Durable enough to last a lifetime,
And given gladly, from the heart.

Disappearing Act

Where do all my pins disappear to?
I've picked up all the ones off the floor.
But when I put them back into their box,
It looked as though there ought to be more.

What became of the needle I had in my hand
When I picked up the spool to thread it?
It seems to have vanished into thin air,
But that explanation I can't credit.

How does my thimble disappear
From the basket where it was laid?
I haven't heard it rolling 'round on the floor
As it did when the cats with it played.

What did I do with that fabric I need
That I had just an hour ago?
I put it away, but in what place?
It's somewhere that it doesn't show.

The magazine with the pattern I liked
Was right on top of that pile.
I guess it's sunk, but how far down
In such a little while?

I know that book went back on its shelf
And should be with books of its kind.
But I just can't find it, though I've looked five times.
Can it be that I'm going blind?

It's a very good thing that my sewing machine
Is something that's too big to hide.
Not being able to find something as big as that
Would really humble my pride!

I don't know why things I know that I had
Disappear when I put them away.
I find it annoying but I very much fear
It's a problem that's here to stay.

Quilter Husband's Lament

I've always learned that life was full of obstacles and woes.
I've learned to live with sickness, death, taxes, heaven knows.
I've taken all these things in stride, the problems and strife,
But one I didn't count on was a Quilter for a wife.

Come home from work, the stove is cold, the dirty clothes still there,
The suit I wanted cleaned today, still laying on the chair.
"Where's Mama, son?" I asked my boy, "This house is such a mess.
Why, all the sheets are missing, we've been burglarized I guess."

"No, Mama stripped down all the beds and took the sheets away.
She cut them into little strips and pieced two quilts today."
"Why every pair of pants I own is cut in little squares."
"I'm demonstrating applique," my lovely wife declares.

I show up in the office in my boxer shorts and tie.
My secretary giggles and the clerks give me the eye.
It's freezing cold, I'm shaking and my knees are turning blue.
My boss considered firing me, but his wife's a quilter too.

I told him what happened and he said he could believe.
I noticed that the coat he wore had only half a sleeve.
A husband needs a loving wife to help him when he's ill.
To soothe and comfort, mop his brow and help him take his pills.

Should influenza strike you, your life's not worth a dime,
Particularly if it hits at Quilt Convention time.
You'll lay there in an empty house in pain and deep despair,
While the workshops and the lectures keep your wife's attention there.

You learn to ask no questions when she smiles and drives away,
Rushing to the Fabric Shop for a big sale there today.
She's gone for hours, then drags back home all bleary eyed and down,
Now who'd believe a lie like that? She must be running round.

But I'll get by, I always do, some days are fine, some not.
When your wife's a Quilter you tolerate a lot.
I know that when my life is through and I pass away
They'll have to set my funeral so it's not a Quilting Day.

A Christmas Quilter

T'was a few weeks before Christmas and in my head was a plan
To make all of my Christmas gifts by my own hand.
Away to my scrap box in a flash I did fly.
With patterns in my head and a twinkle in my eye.

I cut and I sewed as merry as an elf.
Making things for others and not for myself.
A quilted vest for a teen-aged niece.
Quilts for the grandparents with love sewn in each piece.

Quilted covers for aunts' tabletops,
Away I go with hardly a stop.
On scissors, on needles, on thimble and thread,
Oh, hurry I must, for Christmas day is ahead.

A quilted diaper bag for the baby so new.
I may even quilt Santa a coat before I'm through.
Quilted bedspreads for Mother and Sis.
I still have a few left on my list.

Cushions with quilted tops and potholders done.
It's now Christmas Eve and I have a gift for each one.
So I sprang to my Volkswagon and made quite a clatter.
The neighbors ran to the windows to see what was the matter.

From one house to the other, I leaped like a deer.
Leaving my presents and hopefully cheer.
With best wishes to each for a Christmas so bright.
A tired, happy quilter drove away in the night.

Many Starts, Mini Finishes

There once was a quilter named Min,
Whatever she'd see, she'd begin.
A large quilt, a small quilt,
A doll quilt, a wall quilt.
"I'll finish these later," said Min.

"Now what shall I start on today?
I guess it will be applique.
Some birds in a group,
I'll frame with a hoop.
Today, though, I'll put them away.

I think I will make a new vest,
In silk, or cotton would be best --
Trapunto I'll do,
Then Sunbonnet Sue!
But now I will give them a rest.

A tote bag I've wanted to sew,
And then I'll try quilt-as-you-go.
A radiant Star
For next year's bazaar --
Just when they'll be done, I don't know.

For Christmas I've got projects galore --
A tree skirt, a wreath for the door.
I'll make a soft box,
And red quilted socks,
And what's not completed, I'll store."

"Is anything finished?" asked Son.
Her answer could only be, "None."
So, Min made a vow:
She would not allow
More new projects -- well, maybe just one.

Beginners

All quilters start out as beginners.
No one is born knowing how.
But all who would be good quilters
Should make this solemn vow:

I will buy only quality fabrics.
I will keep clean my sewing machine.
I will help my fellow quilters
Be they eighty or seventeen.

I will carefully follow directions
That I am given in class
So that what I'm trying to make
Will truly come to pass.

I will try never to feel guilty
About my stash or my UFOs:
These are part of the quilting mystique
As every quilter knows.

Above all, I will embrace
The joys that quilting imparts
Of friendship, fun and sharing
That cheers and fills our hearts.

And when I'm no more a beginner
I won't hold in disdain
Those who know less than I do--
Who knows what heights they may attain?

The Deadline

T'was the night before the quilt show,
and at the sewing machine;
was the biggest organized clutter,
that you have ever seen.

There was fabric on the table.
Fabric on the chair,
Fabric on the floor,
There was fabric everywhere.

I couldn't find my rotary cutter,
couldn't find my mat;
I couldn't find my scissors,
And I'm wondering where they're at.

It's an hour before the show,
Then I'll get up and leave.
All I need is a few more stitches,
The binding.....and the sleeve.

But I'm not about to worry,
Everything is going to be fine.
I'll get it done in time -- But,
I really hate a deadline.

Appreciation

There are quilts that make me wonder.
There are quilts that make me blink.
There are quilts that tug my heartstrings.
There are quilts that make me think.

But the quilts that mean the most
And that fill my heart with glee
Aren't the ones I see at quilt shows.
But the rare ones made for me!

BOM Shake Up

Last month I made a block--
This month I won a quilt!
Of course, it's not together yet.
But the top is easily built.

I chose the 'safe' colors I usually use,
Thinking these would be best to send
To a bunch of unknown quilters
Whose tastes I don't want to offend.

Well! The blocks I won seem to show
Not all are restrained like me!
There are more colors and patterns of fabrics
Than ever I thought to see!

I don't see these fabrics when I go to shop,
I guess I've been closing my eyes.
When I show this quilt at Show and Tell
Will my guild get a surprise!

Secrets of the Old Quilt

Today, I went up to the attic,
and found a quilt that grandma made.
The binding was worn, the pieces tattered,
and the colors had begun to fade.

There were silks and wools and calicos,
in a pattern of the nine patch kind.
They were precision cut and precision sewn,
with an intricate quilting design.

She pieced the top and the quilting bee,
helped her quilt the days away.
And they talked about everybody,
Who didn't help quilt that day.

Only if that quilt could talk.
Oh, the words that would be conveyed,
of the gossip at the quilting bee,
in the quilt that grandma made.....

Quality of a Quilt

The ladies at the quilting bee,
quilted in all kinds of weather
and when they made their little stitches,
They were quiltedrealclosetogether.

The quilts that are imported,
Will break your heart.
When you see the stitches,
They are this far apart.

On Finishing an Old Quilt Top

Dear unknown lady of the past,
I hold your work within my hands;
A top with pattern gay and pure,
A frayed edge reveals loose strands.

The design is made of tiny scraps,
Set in a plain sugar sack ground.
Such tiny little stitches made -
A soft blue border around.

Where did you sit while piecing this?
Upon a stool by firelight bright?
Or slowly rocking on the porch
As the tired day drew into night?

What were your cares while you did work?
What plans and dreams did you spin?
I wonder why your work was stopped.
Why quilting never did begin.

My mind is filled with questions.
Were you just a girl or someone's wife?
Was yours a path of leisure?
Or a journey filled with strife?

I'll quilt this top, dear lady,
With patterns swirled and flowery,
And bond with one I'll never meet
In a sisterhood of stitchery.

Husbands

A quilter's husband died on Friday.
Her heart was torn and wilting
To have the funeral on Monday,
She'd have to miss her quilting.

She asked her sister to fill in,
An act so torn and wilting.
"To him it makes no difference --
So why miss out on quilting?"

Untitled

My neighbor is washing her windows,
And scrubbing and mopping her floors,
But my house is all topsy and turvey,
And dust is behind all the doors.

My neighbor, she keeps her house spotless,
And she goes all day on a trot:
But no one would know in a fortnight
If she swept today or not.

The task I am at is enticing -
My neighbor is worn to a rag -
I am making a quilt out of pieces
I saved in a pretty chintz bag.

And the quilt, I know my descendants
Will exhibit with credit to me -
"So lovely - my grandmother made it
Long ago in 1933."

But will her grandchildren remember
Her struggles with dirt and decay?
They will not - they will wish she had made them
The quilt I am making today.

The Quiltin' Times are A-Changing

For our Great-Great Grandmothers, in quilting times past
A frugal quilter had to scrimp, make every scrap last
Today wasting fabric is not such a crime
Today what's scarce is a quilter's TIME.

Patterns used to travel with pioneers going west
Now we swap and share instantly on the Internet
Once templates were traced, fabric carefully scissored
Now we slice multiple layers, we're all Olfa wizards.

At one time a two fabric quilt was a sign of status
Now Watercolor quilts have hundreds of prints comin' at us
Quilters used to gather at small local quilting bees
Now we congregate at conferences, national teachers to see.

Like our Great-Great Grandmothers our lives are busy, we're stressed
But with the beauty of our quilts, we feel we are blessed
As with Great-Great Grandmother, our quilting serves many goals
To give warmth, grace our homes, and feed our souls.

Quilting Frustrations

First I lost my thimble and stuck the needle into my thumb
Then I figured the yardages wrong, so I'm short, how dumb
And I can't understand this piecing diagram ‘cuz my brain's gone numb
Sometimes quilting just doesn't pay.

Now the tension's goofed up on my sewing machine
The four yards I bought aren't the right shade of green
And how am I to get Grandmother's unfinished quilt top clean
Sometimes quilting just doesn't pay.

I've pressed under bias until my fingers are all burnt
Can't quite remember that finishing tip I thought I'd learnt
Tried to do an edge in scallops, but they weren't
Sometimes quilting just doesn't pay.

I've sewed on this quilt for what seems like a hundred weeks
Bringing my quilting skills to a new sewing peak
And, surprisingly, getting pretty close to the design I seek
Well, maybe quilting's not so bad.

Hey, finally I've got it on the quilting frame
And I bend over and stitch; my back will never be the same
In the corner I'll label it with the date and my name
Well, maybe quilting's not so bad.

Now it's proudly displayed in all its pomp and glory
Conveniently forgotten is how its construction was slightly hoary
Currently I'm telling the "masterpiece of needleart" story
Yeah, I guess quilting's not so bad.

The Frankenstein Quilt

I started out with a simple block design–
And thought I'd add just one or two more lines–
To come up with a quilt that'd be all mine.

Then I started playing with complex borders and sashing–
And through my mind new ideas kept flashing–
Until now my hopes have gone a-dashing!

I've created an impossible pattern, a monster–
Anyone who'd try it would be a fanatical quilter–
Who'd probably end up cussing out the designer!

Since I created it I'd better give it a try–
As I ripped out stitches I kept asking myself why–
If I get it done I'll take this one with me when I die!

Now it's finally done and lies displayed on our bed–
Hundreds of hours, yards of fabric, and miles of thread–
One of those, "it'll never work" ideas that just popped into my head.

Quilters Birthday Song

Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Have you finished that quilt yet?
Happy birthday to you!

How old is your stash?
How old is your stash?
Did you pay plastic or cash?
How old is your stash?

Did you see the new Hoffman?
Did you see the new Hoffman?
Did the price make you cough, man!
Did you see the new Hoffman?

Have you bought the new book?
Have you bought the new book?
So many UFOs, shouldn't even look!
Have you bought the new book?

Will you make the show deadline?
Will you make the show deadline?
An hour left, plenty of time!
I can make the show deadline!

The Extra Chair (Song by Cathy Miller on her "One Stitch At A Time" CD)

Quilting lasts longer than a princess or king
Quilting lasts longer than a maple tree
Quilting lasts longer than this song I sing
My quilts will last longer than me

The first thing I remember about her
She was sitting with her friends around the quilting frame
Laughing and sewing for hours
With an extra chair for anyone who came

When I got older I could stay there
At their feet, I'd sit and play with my friends
We threaded their needles and we'd listen
To secrets we couldn't comprehend
CHORUS

One day they offered me the empty chair
And another one was added to the circle in turn
Young hands, old hands, hands all around
Across the generations, there were many lessons learned

Each time we all sat together
Everyone was welcomed with delight
But at the end of the day when they'd gone away
She'd pick out all the stitches that weren't right
Because CHORUS

Now I always keep an extra chair handy
Someday, down from heaven, she'll drop by
And every night I sleep underneath her quilts
And I sing this song as my lullaby.
CHORUS

100 Ways to Hide Your Stash (Song by Cathy Miller on her "One Stitch At A Time" CD)

He doesn't have to know everything
A few secrets keep a marriage fresh as spring
I'll have it in, and out of sight in a flash
There are 100 ways to hide your stash.

Fill up the cupboard, hide the evidence
Pile it in the pantry spare no expense
Keep it with the kids' clothes, lay it with the wine
Keep it all together where the sun don't shine!

Put it in a Safeway bag, bring it in with the groceries
Call it "Christmas presents - and don't you peek!"
You're "keeping it for a friend" who's gone to Calgary
She'll be back soon - no there's none for me!

Don't tell him what you owe the store
He might start looking in the dryer or the drawer
It's an affliction breeding secrecy
These quilty pleasures that won't let me be

Pack it in the wardrobe, under the chair
Stack it with the linen, with the silverware
Cram it in the cellar, under the stair
With the winter clothes, with the underwear.

A woman stored hers in the ceiling overhead
For years it stayed there, overtop the bed
Her husband never ever heard a sound
Until the day it brought the ceiling down

He's got golfing and his auto parts
You've got fabric
He's got cigarettes and butter tarts
You've got fabric!

Pad it in a pillow, buy a bass violin
Cram it in a corner, tuck it in a tin
Turn off your freezer, fill up your bin
Unplug the oven, you can fit it all in

Buy a few quarters, while you're at the store
Get a little extra - more more more
Slip it in the mattress, hide it under the floor
No more room in here: buy the house next door!

(Quote by Cathy attached to this song - "The one who dies with the most fabric, wins!")

Toss the Cat (Song by Cathy Miller on her "One Stitch At A Time" CD)

The bridal quilt is done, take it out of the frame
Don't forget to sign it and give it a name
Sew on some binding and that will be that
Only one thing left to be done, and that's play toss the cat

We've sewn in our good wishes for the bride and the groom
The red pomegranate, the hearts and the moon
Our vines are unbroken and our apples are fat
Now's the time for our good luck when we play toss the cat

Grab your corner of quilt, in the middle she stands
The next one to get hitched is the closest to where she lands
The kitty doesn't like it much, well fancy that!
That's the price you pay when you play toss the cat

The cat has been a pest from the very first day
Pawing the fabric, and clawing the fray
And when it's time to work, she's got to lie in your lap
It's only just desserts when you play toss the cat
CHORUS

From this day forward she can lie in the sun with a lifetime supply of catnip
She can have a nap whenever she wants one and maybe she'll forget...

Because I've got a few friends and their chances are good
For holy matrimony and motherhood
It won't be too long before they're buying their batt
And another chance for us to play toss the cat.
CHORUS

(Quote by Cathy attached to this song - "Bridal traditions and superstitions abound, and here is one of the more unusual customs. A precursor to our current custom of throwing the bouquet, I suppose.")

It Ain't Finished Yet (Song by Cathy Miller on her "One Stitch At A Time" CD)

It ain't finished yet
It ain't finished yet
I'm making this quilt for a wedding gift
But it ain't finished yet

I've spent a small fortune on the fabric and thread
Just to cut it up in little squares
Now I've gotta sew it back together again
With my own individual flair

I've laid it out 57 different ways
I can't decide what looks the best
The wedding day has come and gone, I'm still in a maze
And I need more of that fabric I bought in Tibet!

I'm ripping out seams that didn't fit just right
I've gotta do them over again
My eyesight is fading, working late in the night
I hope this thing is done before the marriage ends!

I thought it would be easy when I got the idea
I even used her dress from the day they met
If anyone had told me how much work it would be
I'd have volunteered to cater the banquet!

My husband has had to learn to cook and to bake
While I'm fighting with the tangled thread
But I've bought the fabric for the next three I make
There must be something wrong with my head!

In final desperation I went down to the guild
To get a few tips from the "pros"
Everyone had pages there for show and tell
A listing of their UFOs!

(Quote by Cathy attached to this song - "It seems to be universal -everybody has unfinished projects lurking in the dark corners of their sewing rooms. UFOs - UnFinished Objects - are the bane of a quilter's existence!")

1. Thou shalt not ridicule a student’s choice of fabrics nor their colors; a student’s taste should be reflected in their work.

2. Thou shalt not require excessive expenditures for a class; thou dost not know a student’s financial situation.

3. Thou shalt provide students with clearly written and illustrated handouts. Thou shalt be able to explain a construction step with more than one method (written, verbal, visual).

4. Thou shalt provide value for their money; at least one other variation of the quilt in addition to the standard design.

6. Thou shalt circulate amongst the students, checking progress, even if thy feet dost hurt.

7. Thou shalt find something positive to say about each student’s work. Thou shalt not have a “My way or the highway” frame of mind; creativity comes in many forms.

8. When a student makes a good suggestion, thou will announce it to the class and give credit where due.

9. Thou shalt allow some time after class to help anyone who sews at a more leisurely pace.